Happy 2018!

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I’m having a hard time believing that it’s already 2018! I feel like just yesterday, 2017 was starting. So much has happened since 2017 started, and while some may disagree, they’ve all been amazing.

Let’s recap, shall we?

I quit nursing school and began pursuing a degree in Business, focusing on Healthcare Management through an online program. I started working at a local hospital before leaving to go to a home health care agency, and it is such an amazing place to work, even on those days where you’re frustrated/irritated. Seriously, I love it. Kalen and I bought a house! We both love it immensely, and are so grateful that it was ours. Everything lined up to make it happen, and I’m still in total awe of it. We went to Florida for a family vacation, and had a total blast! It was so great to just float in the Gulf, spend time with family, and relax! So many other great things happened too, mainly in terms of just moving forward into actual adult-status (you know, now that we’re in our 30s….haha). OH! And Kalen, for Christmas, got me a new wedding set. My original had a story I used to love, then I learned more about it and I didn’t really like said story, not to mention it has a thin band and it needed to be sized, but I’m certain that it would have snapped if I’d done that, so I wanted a new one. I sent him various links to Black Friday sales, and didn’t actually expect him to get me any, because we’ve had to buy a lot of the house, plus we’re going to Germany, but he did! And I love it!!!
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So what am I hoping 2018 brings?

Well, we’re going to Germany in the spring, and that’s going to be quite the adventure! Starting tomorrow (eek!), I’m going to join Kalen after work to work out. His company has an on-site gym, and he’d been working out on his lunches. But, last year after some lab results came back bad (my medications were packed and I had no idea where so I wasn’t taking any…I KNOW), my doctor scolded me and rightfully so. He basically said if I don’t get my act together, I’d end up dead sooner rather than later. So, I decided that I’m going to start working out. Kalen and I try to eat relatively healthy as it is, so we’re going to be stricter with that. I’m hoping to cut down on eating out, and that means sticking to meal plans (which isn’t too hard, to be honest, but if someone suggests eating out, I tend to jump at the chance), and I’m going to start really tracking my food again. I’ve lost weight before – and each time it was mainly due to tracking and measuring and staying within limits. Restrictive, sure, but when you’re 32 and your doctor says “Hey, shape up or you’re dead!” you’re okay with restrictive. Or, at least I am.

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So, tomorrow we start working out. I’m going to slowly start – otherwise I’ll be done sooner due to burnout haha. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I plan on doing cardio at the gym, and possibly weights. Tuesday and Thursday at home I’d like to use my kettle bells, and then Saturday I may do kettle bells, or I may try to do yoga. Same with Sunday and yoga. Meal planning is already underway, and I’m going to share them here (hopefully I’ll be consistent).

Other 2018 hopes are to get pregnant! We’d love to start a family, ideally after Germany. I’ll keep moving forward with school, and I’d like to get more done this coming year than I did in the last two terms (currently struggling through a class on spreadsheets because I know I won’t use everything they’re teaching). I’m also hoping to unpack the house (hahaha), hang some stuff up finally, and just feel completely settled in. My craft area isn’t set up so I haven’t had the chance to make anything new for my Etsy shop and that kinda sucks. I like to create things so not being able to feel stifling. So, there’s another goal. And of course, this is certainly just a life goal in general, but spending more time with my Bible and in prayer.

So, who wants to see the menu?
January 7th: turkey meatballs and lemony rice, salad (we bought two big things of the spring mix from Costco for $2 each so we’re having lots of salad)
January 8th: baked lasagna ravioli, salad
January 9th: pork chops (shake ‘n bake style), green beans (canned from our garden), and salad
January 10th: creamy Crockpot chicken tacos with corn tortillas, yellow rice, salad
January 11th: tandoori chicken, brown basmati rice, salad
January 12th: creamy Crockpot chicken and rice, salad
January 13th: my friend is having her graduation party this day (I’m making my “famous” pasta salad lol), so I’m not sure what dinner will be like – plus a friend might come over that night so…who knows!

Anyway, that’s about all I have for right now! Time to go get some steps in – my FitBit is yelling at me. 😉

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Tell me what goals you have for this year!
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Cul-de-Sac Living

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So, I had another huge gap in blog posts, but this time I have a legitimate reason!

That house we put an offer on fell through. There was a TON wrong with the house, but the sellers refused to fix anything, so we walked away from the deal. We put another offer in on a house, and we were not the highest bidder/best offer. Truly that was more of an offer out of desperation, now that we look back on it.

And then, a listing came up. I dismissed it as possible because it seemed out of our budget, and it was a bit dated, but like I said, it was dismissed. We kept looking at other homes, but nothing stood out. The listing I dismissed was listed as pending, and then, it wasn’t. So, we decided to look, for fun.
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I’m sure you know where this is going, but I’m going to pretend that you don’t. We looked, and we fell in love. In the spirit of being open-minded, we went to see one more house. Kalen and I had met at the house, so we talked on the way there, and I told him that while I would look at the other house, I felt this house was our house. The other house wasn’t terrible, but it was incredibly dated and it wasn’t the open floor plan the other house had. On our way home, our realtor (who was amazing!) called Kalen to say that there had been an offer made on the first house. She didn’t know the amount, but in case we were considering it, we should act quickly. The first time it had been in a bidding war, and the buyer had freaked out about what he had offered and backed out. So, Kalen called me and told me and I immediately said “I want that house. Let’s make an offer above asking.” And we did. And they accepted. This inspection went well, with just a few things turning up that the seller fixed or gave us a credit for, and we closed on August 28th, the day after Kalen’s birthday. It was one of the greatest things ever, but also rather daunting haha.

And so we moved in Labor Day weekend and have been doing little things to the house since. We painted before we moved in, scrubbed the carpets, I painted the counters in the kitchen, we had a door in the dining room replaced with a sliding glass door, got furniture, etc. You know, somewhat typical normal moving stuff. Are we unpacked 100%? No. Will we ever be? Probably not. hahaha.

So, the house. It’s on a cul-de-sac, hence the new blog name. It is near a lot of the shops we prefer to frequent in our city. When you walk in, the laundry room is to the right of the door, and the living room is to the left. The living room and dining room are open concept, the ceiling is open to the kitchen, so nothing is completely close off, which I LOVE. Down the hall is a bathroom, guest room, dining room, and master bedroom. The master has a walk-in closet, en suite bathroom, and a BUILT IN MAKEUP VANITY and I couldn’t be happier with it. There is also a full basement just begging to be remodeled 100%. The goal is to finish it, and to have a rec room/bar area/game area (possibly), guest room, office/craft room, and of course, storage. It is essentially two houses in one, and that’s pretty awesome in my eyes lol. Our neighborhood is so quiet, and the neighbors seem nice. We’ve only met one set of neighbors, but they were so nice.
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This has been a change – being on our own. Being responsible. Owning a house. We just decorated for Christmas, and it was amazing to say the least. We’re not completely finished, but we’re close haha. There are three wreaths to hang on the garage, front lawn decorations to go out, and lights for the back deck. Kalen is a procrastinator though so….

I also started a new job. The hospital kept screwing me over on my hours, and constantly changing them without notice, so, I found a new job. I am strictly Monday through Friday from 8-4:30. I’m so incredibly happy with this new job, and this new company.

So, things are looking up, and with these huge life changes, I’m making some blog changes. Name, content…we’re going to pretend I’m an adult and do adult things on this little corner of the net that I call my own.

Other big events include my cousin Garrett and his girlfriend Jordan having my beautiful niece Beatryce, my best friend FINALLY getting married, and my Aunt Elsie coming for a visit. This year has been full of blessings. ♥

Until next time!
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Potato Soup for a Cold Night

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It’s not the prettiest looking picture, but it was incredibly tasty! This recipe was adapted from another I found, from one of my favorite blogs, and let me tell you, this will be on rotation for the winter! So so so good!

Potato Soup
Adapted from Heavenly Homemakers

Ingredients
6 medium potatoes (I used 3 large)
3 carrots
1 stick of butter
3 tablespoons of dried minced onion
½ cup of flour
4 cups of chicken broth
1 cup of water
1 ½ cups half-and-half or heavy cream
Sea salt
Optional: arrowroot or cornstarch to make a slurry

Directions

Scrub the potatoes and carrots (no need to bother peeling) and cut them into bite sized pieces before setting aside. Grab your Dutch oven and melt the stick of butter. Add the minced onion while it is melting and sauté. Once the butter is melted, add the flour and incorporate. Add the chicken broth and the water and bring to a boil. Add the diced potatoes and carrots, salt liberally, and let cook for about 20-25 minutes or until the potatoes and carrots are tender. Remove from heat, and add the half-and-half, stirring. Once that is incorporated, grab your immersion blender (or a regular blender) and use until the soup is creamy. If you would like, make a slurry with arrowroot or cornstarch and water, and add to thicken the soup. Taste and if necessary, add salt.
We served this with some buttered sourdough bread – add a salad and you are good to go!

Original recipe found here: Heavenly Homemaker’s Easy Potato Soup

What is your favorite cold-weather soup?
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Why I Stopped Posting

Well, that was a bit of an unexpected break I took! Truly, it wasn’t planned. Honest.

I had these grand plans of posting regularly after I quit nursing school to keep everyone updated as to what was going on in my life after such a huge change.
Except I didn’t. Oops?

Truly there was no real reason for my absence at first. I got into the school with the program that captured my interest, but had to wait until March 1st to begin my term (and how crazy that the term will end August 31st!). And so in that time, I did a whole lot of nothing.

No, really, nothing. I did not do any of the grand things I’d planned to do. There was no real reason for that, either, it was just what happened. My days were spent playing online, reading books, watching tv shows, and sleeping. I spent time with my cousin a lot, and in March became a Younique presenter again.

And then in April, I started a job. SAY WHAT!? I’m a patient registrar at a local hospital. I’ve been healthier, but have missed 5 days. FIVE FREAKING DAYS. That’s not good; I know that’s not good. I hate missing, and I hate being sick…one of these days I’ll be 100% healthy again.

I have work now, 40+ hours a week (we’re a bit short-staffed right now), school (working through my last required class for the term, and hoping to finish at least one more), and working on closing a deal on a house.

Another change! We made an offer on a house! Pending appraisal, inspection, and our request for repairs (the result of the said inspection), we close August 18th. We’ve found a couch and dining room table we both like, have ideas of how the house will look when we decorate, and now it’s a waiting game to see if the seller will accommodate our requests. They’re not little things (example, the wiring is funky, and there are parts of the roof that need to be repaired or there will be water damage, and there’s a pipe that is smaller than the pipes it is connected to and could burst at any given moment in time), so if the sellers do not say they will repair them, we will have to back out of the deal, as per the deal/contract we’d signed. I’m praying they agree to them, because I love the idea of this house being mine. The area, the house itself…I love it all. If not, we’ll get back to looking, but still.

So now I’m working, and I’m in school, and I’m packing. It’s been busy!

I also discovered that those so-called great friends I made in nursing school? Yeah, they’ve turned out to not be friends, at all. I haven’t heard from a single one of them since March and only one actually took the time to wish me a happy birthday. Not that a wish makes a friendship, but I was told time and time again that they were simply too busy during the semester for friends (oh, okay). The semester ended in May. I told myself I wasn’t going to reach out – I had done so and been ignored enough. Guess who I haven’t heard from? That’s right, those awesome friends! I deleted their numbers from my phone.

Otherwise, that’s all that’s going on, at least a shortened version. I hope to post some pictures of the house when it’s ours…pray that things go well for us! blog siggy

love what you do, and do what you love

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I realize I’m 12 days late with this post, but hey, it’s still January, right? Right. Moving on….

2016 was one heck of a year.  Not necessarily all good either. School was rough, my health got worse, and my stress went through the roof as a result of those things. School got even worse, to the point where I missed passing a class by 9 points.

9 points.

 

Of course, as I posted yesterday, I decided that nursing, and nursing school, were not for me, and not what I was meant to do. I dropped my classes today, and I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. I’m a bit wary, because this is new – the past 4 years has been nursing school for me (or the prerequisites for nursing school), and now it’s not. I’m at peace with it though. I feel good about my decision, and I know it was the right choice to make.

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I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to even try nursing school. Had I not tried, I would never know, and nursing school allowed me the opportunity to realize who I am. I made wonderful friends, I discovered that I am a strong person, even when I don’t want to be. I also discovered that my skills are best used elsewhere haha.

2016 brought on the plans for a trip to Germany. They are well underway, and we have made so much progress in our planning and saving and preparing. I cannot wait to travel with my amazing, selfless husband. I’m still in awe that he planned such a trip because he knew I have always wanted to go to Germany. We’ve been learning German together, researching areas we’re visiting to find things to do, and planning our days in certain cities. It has been a wonderful time.

I have some plans for 2017, and I know I will achieve them. I received a Happy Planner (mini) for Christmas from my wonderful Mom, and I decided that I’d use it, not for school, but for other activities. Sure, that means (meant) two planners, but it means that things are easier to see. I plan on working out, and I set it up so I start low and build. I don’t want to overwhelm myself, like I have in the past, and give up because it’s too difficult for me to achieve. As the months go on, I plan to add “weights” to my cardio – in this case, weights is not lifting weights necessarily, but things like lunges, squats, planks, kettlebell swings, and so on. I also plan to add a day or two of yoga as time progresses to work on my flexibility, and help me get some more intense stretching in. Plus, back pain. haha. This spring/summer/fall I plan to ride my bike with Kalen more often, something we will both enjoy. The end game is to be in better shape, and healthier of course, for when we go to Germany. Some cities offer the option to rent bicycles and “tour” the city, and we’d like to do that, in addition to the walking we’ll be doing of course!

I also plan to make and list more jewelry, cowls, and other items to my Etsy shop. I did really well at Christmas selling my  Stethoscope Heart Necklace to the point where I ran out temporarily! I sold a few cowls that were made to order, which was exciting, and the buyer LOVED them, which was even MORE exciting!

Me, showing two examples of how it can be worn, and then 1 of the 4 I made for her. 

Another goal, as of now, is to get into the school that offers the program I feel is the best fit for me, and find a job! I’d also like to go through and really purge. Kalen and I have accumulated a mass amount of stuff we don’t need or use, and it’s just taking up space and creating clutter. I’d like to go through and donate a large amount of clothing, reorganize our book collection, reorganize our games and our office closet, sell what items I can (such as care plan books I will no longer need), and just clean the house. Dust, vacuum, toss, put away – it needs to be done!

I also want Kalen and I to go to church services regularly. I used to go weekly, but then the service time changes, and it was less often. As time went on, particularly with the addition of both of us in school, our attendance dwindled to nothing. Now, the last time I was there was sometime in May. I want to work on my relationship with God, and make it stronger. I’d also like to curb my swearing, my doubting, and my general attitude. I want to be a more Godly and kind person. Lofty goals, but I know I can do it.

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So, there is my more detailed update of my life, and what is going on. I know it’s not the most exciting, but it’s mine, and I love it and I’m thankful for it, and for those who are in it.

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once a quitter, always a quitter

374838_268121413231996_204929142884557_800744_433172988_nI made a pretty big decision today – I am quitting nursing school. The more and more I went through it, the more I realized my heart isn’t in it. Last semester was rough. I ended up not passing a class by 9 test points. I had been feeling for quite some time that I didn’t want to be a nurse, but I kept getting told “You’ve come so far! You have to finish!” and so I stuck it out. I thought that God was directing me to nursing, but I think he was directing me to going back to school. I chose nursing because we weren’t sure if Kalen would find a good job in this area, and I knew that I could find one as a nurse. I didn’t pursue it for the passion of nursing, but more for the job security. Don’t get me wrong – I liked working with patients, but I don’t want to be responsible for them. I was originally wait-listed, but managed to get in. As I look back on Facebook memories and posts, before I was in the program, my posts were generally happy. Once I was in the program, even before it was difficult, they weren’t so happy. I know the material, but in terms of applying it critically to nursing, I’m not so great at that. And nursing isn’t just knowing, you have to be able to do. As this semester was starting, I realized just how miserable I was. I would spend my days crying and/or sleeping away my depression. Well, not that that is possible, but you get the idea.

I won’t be just doing nothing though. I’m going to look for a job, and also pursue a Bachelor of Science Business in Healthcare Management through an online university that allows you to work as quickly or as slowly as possible. My goal is to work as quickly as possible. And of course, this is assuming I am accepted. But, I feel that clerical-type positions are what I’m better suited for, particularly management type ones. I am stupidly organized, and I like to take charge. I’m a perfectionist. And I did well at office work before, and I know I will again. It will also be a 9-5 type job, which I’d enjoy.

I am disappointed in myself, not for not finishing, but for choosing to spend my time and money towards something I wasn’t passionate about. I truly thought that I’d learn to really love it, but while there were things I DID love, I knew it wasn’t the right choice for me. My plan is to work to help pay down the loans that I’ve accumulated, and of course put more towards our house and Germany savings accounts.

I also feel like I’ve disappointed Kalen, family, and friends, but at the same time, I can’t do something to make anyone else happy if I’m not happy. So, tomorrow I’m going to go and drop my classes. All of them. I’m also going to call the online university back to see what I can do to get the ball rolling, and then I’m going to fine tune my resume and start applying to clerical positions in the area.

I am rather hurt by my nursing school friends, however. When I failed, and they knew it, no one reached out to me over the entire break to see how I was doing. Not once. They did, however, manage to text me and complain about the upcoming semester that I would have been in with them (but due to failing, that changed). Not once. And when I finally brought it up and said that my break was spent with me being miserable and just hoping for a text asking if I was okay, one person responded and said “She thought it’d be too raw for me.” Oh, but talking about your next semester and how you’re not looking forward to it isn’t raw? I was just really hurt by that, and even after I mentioned it, that was the only response I received from one out of the four friends. So, I feel pretty disposable at this point.

But anyway, I will try for a more life-centered update soon, but I know I have posted about my nursing school journey, and probably made it sound like I was more into it than I was,and I wanted to just post this and updat you all.

 

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Summertime Fun in Pictures

My last post was free of any pictures, so I thought I would share a few from this summer. The bottom ones are from going to see Dave Matthews Band at Alpine Valley with my mom, sister, cousin, cousin’s husband, and sister’s friend. We made friends with the two guys who were tailgating next to us, and it was an amazing time, as always! I love seeing DMB live, and Alpine Valley never disappoints!

Some were random Snapchats (I’m amber330 there), and some random selfies. I got to enjoy the pool to myself one day, and we were all swimming on another.

Also, cats in baskets and bags. Because cats.

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Menu Plan Monday #1 [7/11-7/15]

One of my favorite type of blog post to read is a menu plan. I’m insanely nosy, particularly with food. Whenever I go to my mom or aunt’s house, I always peek in their fridge and freezer to see what they have going on. I don’t know why, but it fascinates me.

Look, I know I’m weird. This isn’t news to me.

So I thought that since I like to know what everyone is eating, I should share what we eat here! My plan is to do this weekly, and eventually I’ll have more pictures to share. 🙂

A few bits to know – I don’t plan breakfast or lunch. Kalen tends to take dinner leftovers for his lunch, and I just eat whatever. For breakfast, he’s been eating a banana and usually a fiber bar while at work. If I eat breakfast, I make some eggs and possibly toast. I usually keep is relatively simple for myself. My lunch can be anything from a sandwich to soap to “snacks” so I don’t plan those.

We also don’t menu plan for Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes a day will get pushed to the weekend (if we decide to eat out or end up swimming), but we play the weekend by ear.

Monday:  Grilled Flank Steak with Chimichurri Sauce, Corn on the Grill, and grilled zucchini (rubbed with a bit of olive oil and some homemade Arthur Bryant’s seasoning).

Tuesday: Some pork and cheese tamales from a place nearby, yellow rice, and possibly some black beans. Does anyone else just love black beans?

Wednesday: Chermoula Chicken (we won’t be making it into skewers), rice pilaf, and some green beans (I top mine with a tiny bit of butter and garlic salt).

Thursday: Grilled Turkey Meatloaf (I’ll have to share how we do this – so tasty!), some homemade Sriracha Mac & Cheese (I made this last year after a trip to Wisconsin where I picked up some Sriracha cheese, and it was so good!), and salad (yay for garden lettuce!).

Friday: Crispy Baked Chicken Wings, quinoa (I’ll have to share this too – so simple and tasty!), and green beans.

So there you have it!!! What are you eating this week?

 

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Whoa! June Already!?

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I can’t believe it has been over two months since I’ve last updated here! Wowzers! I’m so terrible at being consistent with updating, but I blame school for that!

The spring 2016 semester ended well, and I passed all my classes. I am so glad that in 2012 I prayed and prayed about it when I was unable to find a new job, and took the plunge and enrolled in a local community college to knock out my prerequisites classes (English, Microbiology, Algebra, etc.), because this has been the best decision I’ve made, other than marrying Kalen of course.

I took a summer course – that actually ends on Thursday next week! I decided to take my statistics course as a Maymester to get it out of the way prior to the fall. I figured I had put it off for long enough, and I do NOT want to take it with Adult 1 in the fall! I also didn’t want to take it from June to August because that is the real part of summer. I can handle doing it in 4 weeks during May and the beginning of June – it isn’t warm enough here yet to enjoy swimming all the time, and so far it hasn’t been bad at all. Four people I know were taking this class, and I met a new friend through this class – the six of us are all in the nursing program too!

The above picture on the left was so I could show how my makeup held up – the left side of it was 7:30am, and the right was 8:00pm and my makeup still looked freshly applied! I got so many compliments that day, and have had a few people even remark on how it looked after the fact, because they remembered. The right picture was when I received my Bonbons – Younique’s new tinted lip balm! I LOVE those! It’s such an easy way to add color without worrying about it being 100% perfect like you’d have to do with lipstick or gloss or even a stain. Plus they’re so moisturizing! I’m sold! You can check it out HERE if you are interested in Younique products! If you have questions or need help color matching, let me know! Also, I just realized I’m wearing the same shirt in those pictures, but they were both different days….haha!

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This is our current monthly Kudos, and can I tell you how excited I am!? Because I got SUPER giddy and excited!!!! I snatched this bundle up immediately, because if I were to buy all four of those items, I’d be spending $139. Saving $40? Sign me up! If you want flawless skin, this is for you! Seriously though, this company/makeup has changed my life, for the better, so I want to share the love with everyone I meet!

Okay, enough gushing about makeup…haha!! I recently quit my job that I had at the school. I have had health problems for what feels like my entire life (okay, not really that long….), and I was consistently calling off because I was sick. I called off three of my four scheduled days, and realized that I was doing nothing but letting my coworkers and boss down, so I felt it best if I quit. I miss my job already, and my coworkers, but I did what was in my best interest, and really, in their best interest as well.

Life in general is honestly really awesome right now. Kalen and I are still saving for a future home, the cats are wonderful, and I have way too much fun with Snapchat filters.

I’m excited for the real summer weather to kick in, so I can spend my days in the pool, in the garden, and enjoying the sunshine! I plan to do some super cleaning this summer too, weed through my clothing even more than I have already, packing up certain items (my owl collection for one, because I don’t want to have to keep dusting them all!), and of course making items for the Etsy shop so I can be fully stocked come fall/winter. I have a lot of new items I need to put together and list, and I want to crochet more items to list too. Lots of summer plans, y’all! I cannot wait!

I’m also going to be getting back in the swing of working out and dieting. I need to consistently use my workout bike, and I used an Amazon card I received for my birthday this year to buy resistance bands (the kind that loop), and some sliders for carpet/wood floors, so I need to work those into a routine as well. Now that it’s almost summer it will be easier to eat fresh produce, especially when our gardens start producing lots of yummy goodies.

And on that note, I think I should head to bed! I have some lab work in the morning (just my normal labs that I have every three months to monitor my A1C), and so I’ll be a real beast if I don’t get enough sleep hahaha!!!

Also, please pray for me. I had an abnormal test result and have to go for further testing to see what the cause was. That appointment is June 10, so if you could pray that it was just a fluke, or that it is nothing serious, I would so appreciate it!

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The What If?

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Sometimes we ask ourselves a lot of “what if?” type questions. Or, maybe that’s just me. I’m a worrier though, as anyone who knows me can verify for you, should you doubt. I get bad test anxiety (which is terrible, since I’m in nursing school). I worry about the future. And I worry about the what ifs in life. And I mean, I can make up something so unlikely to happen and worry about it and stress myself out over it, that it is ridiculous. I’d like to think I’m just talented though.

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One of my most frequent worries is what would happen if I lost my husband. I know I’m not the only one who worries about losing a loved one, but it is constantly on my mind. When I was 14, my Dad passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack. The last time I saw him, 4 days before he died, I was mean to him. Why? Because I was mad that my Mom wouldn’t let me go to Dairy Queen with my classmates. I had just finished 8th grade, and everyone was going out, except me. So when my Dad came by, I was mean to him, because I was mad. I was 14, and I was mad. Had I known that was the last time I’d be seeing him, I’d have been nice. I can’t even remember if I hugged and kissed him goodbye.

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So I always worry about Kalen dying. What if his last memory of me, before he dies, is us fighting? Or me being stupid and whiny? Did I tell him I loved him? Did I kiss him goodbye? I try not to be mad at him for any period of time. So far we haven’t had any huge, major fights. Yes, we argue. I like to pretend I’m perfect, but I can assure you that I’m not, and he’ll assure you of that as well. But we usually resolve it fairly quickly. I’m not a fighter. I like peace and quiet. I like things to be calm. So fighting and I aren’t the best of friends.

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But still, what if Kalen were to die? What if, at almost 31, I became a widow? Would I want to remarry? Would I ever love someone as much as him? We’re currently preventing a pregnancy, so I wouldn’t even have a child to remind me of him. I’d be alone. Kalen is not only my husband, but my best friend. I would be lost. Could I ever love someone else like I love him? I doubt it. Would I want to “settle” for a not-so-great love so I’m not alone until I die at a hopefully ripe old age? I don’t know. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, or anyone else being willing to put up with me (I can be a bit much, turns out). IN all honesty, I’d probably stay single and alone. I wouldn’t want to love anyone else.

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On the other side of things though, if I were to die today, I would absolutely want Kalen to move on, and find someone else. I would not want him to be alone. The thought of him being alone worries more than the thought of me being alone….haha. And this is mainly because he cannot properly make a bed. Hospital corners anyone? 

 

Of course, my what ifs are not limited to him dying. Trust me, there are way more that I could post about to further prove I’m a tad crazy. I won’t, but I could.

 

What are your “what if?” worries? Share them below!

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