I’m a procrastinator. Terribly so, in fact. It doesn’t matter how much I want something, or how good I know it’d be for me – I can easily find a reason to put it off day after day.
The biggest area where this happens? Losing weight/being healthy. Now, before I get any comments, I want to make one thing clear – I am not saying that I need to be skinny to be valued. I do not think that I need to be skinny to be beautiful. I do not hate fat people. The reason I want to lose weight is for my health. My diabetes is better controlled when I’m at a lower weight. My body hurts less when I’m at a lower weight. I sleep better when I’m at a lower weight. I have more energy and clarity when I’m at a lower weight. For me, I do not operate well as a human being at this weight.
My husband and I want to start a family. We’ve been trying. I met with my gynecologist because I haven’t had a regular period since October, and I’m not pregnant yet. She did some lab work (all came back normal), but she did say that losing weight would be beneficial to our efforts.
My diabetes is also not controlled like it should be. The insulin I’m on is super concentrated, and causes weight gain, which is detrimental to controlling that blood sugar. It’s actually kind of a vicious cycle to be honest. When I was at a lower weight, I was able to utilize pills only to control my diabetes. Now? Not so much.
I used to be active. I was talking with some family the other day, and I mentioned that I used to walk uptown to the library ALL THE TIME with a backpack full of books. Sure, I’d sweat (it was summer, after all), but I could do it easily. I realized that when we were in Germany just how out of shape I was. My hip was killing me (which I’m sure is associated with my weight since when I go up, it gets worse), and I was out of breath and sweating on simple paths.
So, I’m going to FORCE myself to be motivated. We bought a treadmill. We have many kettle bells of various weights. We have a recumbent bike. We have real bikes. We live in a neighborhood that is suitable for walking (with or without Molly!), and near walking/bike paths.
What are my goals? I’d like to start with a minimum of 3 days of cardio for at least 20 minutes. I’m starting slow, because I know if I don’t have immediate success/ease that I will quit then and there without a second thought. I’d like to incorporate yoga into my days, and I’d like to work on using the weights that we have.
I’m also going to get back on track with my eating. I’ve been scarfing down carbs like it is my job, and it’s really boosting my blood sugar. Not good. I tend to buy healthy snacks and then whine and cry until we buy cookies or chips or whatever else I’m craving. When I was first diagnosed, I ate really well. I cut down on my carb intake. I stopped mindlessly snacking and eating everything in sight. I felt amazing because my sugar wasn’t so high.
And so, this post is my way of putting this out into the world. Of promising myself to love myself enough to take care of myself.