once a quitter, always a quitter

374838_268121413231996_204929142884557_800744_433172988_nI made a pretty big decision today – I am quitting nursing school. The more and more I went through it, the more I realized my heart isn’t in it. Last semester was rough. I ended up not passing a class by 9 test points. I had been feeling for quite some time that I didn’t want to be a nurse, but I kept getting told “You’ve come so far! You have to finish!” and so I stuck it out. I thought that God was directing me to nursing, but I think he was directing me to going back to school. I chose nursing because we weren’t sure if Kalen would find a good job in this area, and I knew that I could find one as a nurse. I didn’t pursue it for the passion of nursing, but more for the job security. Don’t get me wrong – I liked working with patients, but I don’t want to be responsible for them. I was originally wait-listed, but managed to get in. As I look back on Facebook memories and posts, before I was in the program, my posts were generally happy. Once I was in the program, even before it was difficult, they weren’t so happy. I know the material, but in terms of applying it critically to nursing, I’m not so great at that. And nursing isn’t just knowing, you have to be able to do. As this semester was starting, I realized just how miserable I was. I would spend my days crying and/or sleeping away my depression. Well, not that that is possible, but you get the idea.

I won’t be just doing nothing though. I’m going to look for a job, and also pursue a Bachelor of Science Business in Healthcare Management through an online university that allows you to work as quickly or as slowly as possible. My goal is to work as quickly as possible. And of course, this is assuming I am accepted. But, I feel that clerical-type positions are what I’m better suited for, particularly management type ones. I am stupidly organized, and I like to take charge. I’m a perfectionist. And I did well at office work before, and I know I will again. It will also be a 9-5 type job, which I’d enjoy.

I am disappointed in myself, not for not finishing, but for choosing to spend my time and money towards something I wasn’t passionate about. I truly thought that I’d learn to really love it, but while there were things I DID love, I knew it wasn’t the right choice for me. My plan is to work to help pay down the loans that I’ve accumulated, and of course put more towards our house and Germany savings accounts.

I also feel like I’ve disappointed Kalen, family, and friends, but at the same time, I can’t do something to make anyone else happy if I’m not happy. So, tomorrow I’m going to go and drop my classes. All of them. I’m also going to call the online university back to see what I can do to get the ball rolling, and then I’m going to fine tune my resume and start applying to clerical positions in the area.

I am rather hurt by my nursing school friends, however. When I failed, and they knew it, no one reached out to me over the entire break to see how I was doing. Not once. They did, however, manage to text me and complain about the upcoming semester that I would have been in with them (but due to failing, that changed). Not once. And when I finally brought it up and said that my break was spent with me being miserable and just hoping for a text asking if I was okay, one person responded and said “She thought it’d be too raw for me.” Oh, but talking about your next semester and how you’re not looking forward to it isn’t raw? I was just really hurt by that, and even after I mentioned it, that was the only response I received from one out of the four friends. So, I feel pretty disposable at this point.

But anyway, I will try for a more life-centered update soon, but I know I have posted about my nursing school journey, and probably made it sound like I was more into it than I was,and I wanted to just post this and updat you all.

 

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