The What If?


Sometimes we ask ourselves a lot of “what if?” type questions. Or, maybe that’s just me. I’m a worrier though, as anyone who knows me can verify for you, should you doubt. I get bad test anxiety (which is terrible, since I’m in nursing school). I worry about the future. And I worry about the what ifs in life. And I mean, I can make up something so unlikely to happen and worry about it and stress myself out over it, that it is ridiculous. I’d like to think I’m just talented though.


One of my most frequent worries is what would happen if I lost my husband. I know I’m not the only one who worries about losing a loved one, but it is constantly on my mind. When I was 14, my Dad passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack. The last time I saw him, 4 days before he died, I was mean to him. Why? Because I was mad that my Mom wouldn’t let me go to Dairy Queen with my classmates. I had just finished 8th grade, and everyone was going out, except me. So when my Dad came by, I was mean to him, because I was mad. I was 14, and I was mad. Had I known that was the last time I’d be seeing him, I’d have been nice. I can’t even remember if I hugged and kissed him goodbye.


So I always worry about Kalen dying. What if his last memory of me, before he dies, is us fighting? Or me being stupid and whiny? Did I tell him I loved him? Did I kiss him goodbye? I try not to be mad at him for any period of time. So far we haven’t had any huge, major fights. Yes, we argue. I like to pretend I’m perfect, but I can assure you that I’m not, and he’ll assure you of that as well. But we usually resolve it fairly quickly. I’m not a fighter. I like peace and quiet. I like things to be calm. So fighting and I aren’t the best of friends.


But still, what if Kalen were to die? What if, at almost 31, I became a widow? Would I want to remarry? Would I ever love someone as much as him? We’re currently preventing a pregnancy, so I wouldn’t even have a child to remind me of him. I’d be alone. Kalen is not only my husband, but my best friend. I would be lost. Could I ever love someone else like I love him? I doubt it. Would I want to “settle” for a not-so-great love so I’m not alone until I die at a hopefully ripe old age? I don’t know. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, or anyone else being willing to put up with me (I can be a bit much, turns out). IN all honesty, I’d probably stay single and alone. I wouldn’t want to love anyone else.


On the other side of things though, if I were to die today, I would absolutely want Kalen to move on, and find someone else. I would not want him to be alone. The thought of him being alone worries more than the thought of me being alone….haha. And this is mainly because he cannot properly make a bed. Hospital corners anyone? 


Of course, my what ifs are not limited to him dying. Trust me, there are way more that I could post about to further prove I’m a tad crazy. I won’t, but I could.


What are your “what if?” worries? Share them below!

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