Worrying is something I’m good at. Call it a skill, if you will. Right now, much of my worry stems from school, such as if I’m doing well, or if I’ll be accepted into the nursing program I applied to, or if nursing is even what God intends for me to do with my life. If it isn’t, I will accept whatever is, but I worry that I’m wasting time on a career path He doesn’t intend me to follow through with.
I also worry about health. Mine, Kalen’s, our family’s health – I worry. I’ve already lost my father to poor health, almost 15 years ago. I worry so much about losing my Mom, or my stepfather Jack, who I consider my father now, considering I’ve known him longer than I knew my own Dad. I worry that something will happen to me at a young age, like it did with my Dad. He was only 41 when he died from a heart attack. His health was certainly lacking. I know I need to get healthy, but even being afraid of an early death, or worrying about what is happening to me, I find it hard to gather the motivation. Luckily, Kalen’s new job has a gym on site that he can use for free, 24/7, and I can join him as well, for free. So, once summer comes I’m going to try to get us to work out there, or at least him (I have an elliptical at home, but he dislikes those). With the wedding and school, it’s honestly hard to find time to get out there.
Another huge source of worry is money. To be fair, unless someone is a billionaire, money is likely a worry. I have to learn to trust in God to take care of me, of us. Right now, we are living rent-free with Kalen’s mother (only because we’re both in school; prior to this we were paying her rent), but we have expenses and bills. Kalen and I both have our fair share, but he’s just added our new cars to his list, and I added medical bills last month thanks to my fun little hospital stay, and of course I have my medicines that I purchase monthly (for the most part). So, we have our fair share of money going out. It’s scary to think that in an instant we could be without a source of income. We’ve both been there. Kalen worked at Borders previously, as a supervisor, and was with them until they closed. I left my job of 6 years to go work at another law firm, and once I caught up the job I’d been hired for, he fired me and never replaced me. Classy guy, that fella! Had those not happened though, neither of us would have begun going back to school, so I’m eternally grateful that we lost our jobs. We’re both far happier now too.
I worry though, that what we’re doing isn’t enough. I worry that I’m not putting in enough of an effort to better my relationship with the Lord. I worry that I’m not doing enough with the church. I worry that I’m not helping people enough.
The worrying constantly is stressful. I eat when I’m stressed, so I gain weight, and then I worry more about my health. It’s a terribly vicious cycle.
But, I’m learning to let go, and let God. I’m being faithful with my prayer journal. I’m writing out my thoughts, worries, and pleas. I’m sticking to my reading plan. I feel lighter, and happier.
I feel less worried.