Regret and Moving On

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Oh wow, this semester is already tough, and I had my first classes (minus the online one) yesterday. Boo! I don’t regret that I’m in school, or that it will be tough. I LOVE learning, and I love being in school. I DO regret that this wasn’t the case when I went to Indiana University in Bloomington, IN ten years ago after I graduated high school. Well, it will be ten years this August. *wink*

I don’t know what it is, but that has all changed. Before, I was terrified of going to a class alone and I skipped them all the time. Seriously, there was one class, a Biology discussion, I NEVER attended. And Biology was my major! I was decent about attending at the beginning, but then I sank further into a depression and an insane laziness, and I stopped. I moved out of my room, and since all my classes were with my now ex-roommate, I stopped attending though. I feel like it was similar to pulling teeth to get me to leave the room.

My second roommate was a good student. I tried to model my behavior after hers, but the first roommate and I had not parted on friendly terms, and I was scared of facing her. Ridiculous, yes, but it was a hindrance for me. I was already afraid of going anywhere alone on campus at that point, and seeing someone I felt must have hated my existence was paralyzing. Before we left, I sort of realized that I needed to get my act together, but I had sworn up and down that I would never adjust to living there, or like it, and in a sickening effort to prove my mother wrong, I moved back home.

Except, being far from home wasn’t my issue with attending school, because once home, I enrolled at IUN, the Gary campus of Indiana University. I was good in the beginning about attending the classes I had with my roommate from Bloomington (also my best friend, Rylie), but the ones where I knew no one? Never attended those. Not once.

I ended up failing all 4 of my classes that semester, which I’m sure would have been the case any way, but I had gotten sick and missed classes I HAD attended halfheartedly. So my college career ended there, as did my plans of one day being a doctor. Instead of achieving my dreams, I was working dead end jobs, first at an office supply store, then at a call center, then a grocery store, then a super center, then a law firm for 6 years, and then I lost my job. And then I lost my seasonal job. And then I lost my Gramma.

Then, I decided it was time to get back into school. I settled on a community college that offered a two-year degree for nursing, and I am happy. I love going to classes, and I wasn’t even nervous about the first day on Tuesday. Granted, I know people in two of my classes, but I wasn’t phased that I knew no one in my Interpersonal Communications class, and I’m not bothered by the fact that I don’t know anyone in my Psychology class that I will have tomorrow. I feel like I fit in, and that I belong.

Last semester I received all A’s-high A’s even. I have a 4.0 GPA, and I feel like I’m on the right path. Like this time I’m going to fulfill my dreams.

So yes, I regret that my first college experience didn’t go the way it had, but I’m okay with that. I’m glad I don’t have to regret never going back to college now. Because as Lucille Ball said according to the picture, I’d rather regret the things I have done than regret what I haven’t done.

 

xoxo Amber

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2 thoughts on “Regret and Moving On

  1. Good for you for going it again! And best of luck this time around. College really isn’t the path for all 18-year-olds, but that’s awesome that you decided you wanted to try again and are seeing such success at it.

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